Project Example:
Catfish Fart Survival Rate Tool

Lewis Friend

Project Summary

A dynamic assessment tool for anglers that calculates, based on their current flatulence output and any catfish they catch, whether that catfish would survive being farted on during the maximum allowed time for it to be out of water, and assesses if it would die due to methane toxicity.

Real-World Use Case

Perfect for weekend fishing trips where you've had beans for breakfast and want to know if your digestive situation poses a threat to your catch before releasing it back into the water. Ideal for environmentally conscious anglers who care about fish welfare during those awkward boat moments.

Technical Implementation

// Fart data: user-defined average output per hour. // This is his self-reported rate, so we'll assume he's bragging. let fartsPerHour = 17; // Catfish physical stats. Units are irrelevant — he just said "It was massive." let catfishLengthCM = 63; // in cm let catfishWeightKG = 4.2; // in kilograms // Methane per human fart (on average), in litres. // Source: some poor sod with a clipboard and no dignity. const methanePerFartL = 0.025; // 25ml // Volume of each fart. It's not polite, but it's science. const volumePerFartL = 0.1; // 100ml per fart, if he's had curry // Toxicity threshold — how much methane the catfish can tolerate before it expires or gives up spiritually. // Let's assume it's proportional to its weight and lung capacity, both of which are negligible. function calculateMethaneTolerance(catfishLength, catfishWeight) { // Arbitrary formula to make it sound legitimate return (catfishLength * 0.02 + catfishWeight * 0.5); // in litres } // How long the fish can survive out of water, in seconds. // Based on a fabricated but official-sounding survival index. function calculateSurvivalTime(catfishLength, catfishWeight) { const baseSurvival = 180; // Base time in seconds const lengthFactor = catfishLength * 1.1; const weightPenalty = catfishWeight * 12; return Math.max(30, baseSurvival + lengthFactor - weightPenalty); // no less than 30 seconds } let survivalTimeSeconds = calculateSurvivalTime(catfishLengthCM, catfishWeightKG); let methaneToleranceL = calculateMethaneTolerance(catfishLengthCM, catfishWeightKG); // Number of farts that can be inflicted in the survival window. // We assume continuous line-of-sight deployment into the mouth. let fartsPerSecond = fartsPerHour / 3600; let totalFartsDelivered = Math.floor(fartsPerSecond * survivalTimeSeconds); // Total methane volume delivered let totalMethaneL = totalFartsDelivered * methanePerFartL; // Evaluation let outcome; if (totalMethaneL < methaneToleranceL) { outcome = "Survives the incident, though not without psychological damage."; } else if (totalMethaneL < methaneToleranceL * 1.5) { outcome = "Technically alive, spiritually ruined."; } else { outcome = "Deceased. Likely last thoughts: 'Why is this happening?'"; } // Report console.log("=== CATFISH FLATULENCE SURVIVAL REPORT ==="); console.log(`Farts per hour: ${fartsPerHour}`); console.log(`Survival time (seconds): ${survivalTimeSeconds.toFixed(1)}s`); console.log(`Total farts inflicted: ${totalFartsDelivered}`); console.log(`Total methane delivered: ${totalMethaneL.toFixed(2)}L`); console.log(`Catfish methane tolerance: ${methaneToleranceL.toFixed(2)}L`); console.log(`Outcome: ${outcome}`); // Bonus feature: send to DEFRA for official condemnation sendEmail({ to: "enquiries@defra.gov.uk", subject: "Unregulated Methane Assault on Freshwater Species", body: `Dear DEFRA, A study has been conducted into the survivability of a 4.2kg catfish exposed to sustained methane bombardment over a calculated out-of-water duration of ${survivalTimeSeconds.toFixed(1)} seconds. Key findings: - Total methane exposure: ${totalMethaneL.toFixed(2)} litres - Tolerance threshold: ${methaneToleranceL.toFixed(2)} litres - Result: ${outcome} Please advise whether any of this breaches UK freshwater protection laws, or simply the Geneva Convention. Yours in disbelief, Fish Gas Modelling Unit` });

Extensive Real Word Data Comparison -

Real World Field Test Conducted to Check the Accuracy of the Calculation Formula

Tool Accurate, Fish Traumatised.

I Can Read Your Mind -

Is this person serious?

I've just sat through what I thought was going to be a legitimate business proposal, and instead I'm looking at code that calculates whether a fish would survive human flatulence.

This is completely unprofessional. Did they really just present a "Catfish Fart Survival Rate Tool" to the board?

They seem entirely sincere about this fishing application.

Are they having some kind of mental breakdown?

This is supposed to be about serious business development, and they're talking about "beans for breakfast" and "awkward boat moments."

I could follow the logic of the code, but this is absolutely ridiculous.

How do I politely end this meeting?

Everyone's going to think I wasted their time by allowing this presentation.

This person clearly has technical skills, but their judgment is completely off.

I'm embarrassed for them.

Look Deeper Than Surface Level -

I know what you're thinking. This project serves no real purpose. This man is immature. He's thrown away this opportunity. Yeah, it was funny, and I was able to understand the basic idea of it, but it's a useless tool.

Now, if I told you not to look at my example at face value, let's instead look at it for its deeper logic and ignore the silly comments, the ridiculous purpose, the crazy placeholders and variable names.

Let's look at what it really is: a simple calculator template that is able to take simple base metrics, and calculate from formulas and equations to apply it to give an instant assessment with dynamic response.

This example template could be used for these purposes in UK healthcare and epilepsy care:

Template Implementation Examples

Blood Sodium Level Monitoring

Replace the silly variables with clinical parameters:

  • fartsPerHour becomes sodiumIntakePerDay
  • catfishLengthCM becomes patientHeightCM
  • catfishWeightKG becomes patientWeightKG
  • methanePerFartL becomes sodiumPerMealMG
  • methaneToleranceL becomes maxSafeSodiumLevelMG

Purpose: A Blood Sodium Level Calculator that accepts dynamic patient observations and medically set patient guidance to monitor The People We Support's sodium levels and after calculating, provides response advice for the care provider.

Example Response: "ALERT: Patient sodium intake approaching threshold. Implement low-sodium meal plan and increase fluid intake monitoring."

Seizure Risk Assessment

Transform the variables to monitor epilepsy triggers:

  • fartsPerHour becomes stressTriggersPerDay
  • catfishLengthCM becomes sleepHoursLastNight
  • catfishWeightKG becomes medicationAdherenceScore
  • methanePerFartL becomes stressTriggerIntensity
  • totalMethaneL becomes cumulativeRiskScore

Purpose: A dynamic seizure risk calculator that processes daily triggers, sleep patterns, and medication compliance to provide real-time risk assessment and preventive care recommendations.

Example Response: "HIGH RISK: Multiple stress triggers detected with poor sleep. Administer rescue medication and contact NHS Assessment Unit immediately."

Fall Risk Calculation

Convert to patient safety monitoring:

  • fartsPerHour becomes mobilityEventsPerDay
  • catfishLengthCM becomes patientMobilityScore
  • catfishWeightKG becomes medicationSedationLevel
  • survivalTimeSeconds becomes safeSupervisionWindowMinutes

Purpose: A patient safety monitoring system that calculates fall risk based on mobility patterns, medication effects, and physical condition to determine appropriate supervision levels.

Example Response: "MODERATE RISK: Increase observation to 15-minute checks. Consider mobility aid assessment and medication review."

Hydration Monitoring

Adapt for fluid management:

  • fartsPerHour becomes fluidIntakePerHour
  • catfishLengthCM becomes ambientTemperatureCelsius
  • catfishWeightKG becomes patientKidneyFunctionScore
  • methaneToleranceL becomes dailyFluidRequirementML

Purpose: An intelligent hydration monitoring tool that factors environmental conditions and patient physiology to calculate optimal fluid intake and provide dehydration prevention alerts.

Example Response: "DEHYDRATION RISK: Current intake 40% below requirement. Encourage additional fluids and monitor output closely."

Medication Side Effect Monitoring

Transform for pharmaceutical oversight:

  • fartsPerHour becomes adverseEventsPerDay
  • catfishLengthCM becomes treatmentDurationDays
  • catfishWeightKG becomes currentDosageMG
  • totalFartsDelivered becomes cumulativeSideEffectScore

Purpose: A pharmaceutical safety system that tracks adverse events over time and treatment duration to identify patterns and recommend dosage adjustments or medication reviews.

Example Response: "SIDE EFFECT THRESHOLD EXCEEDED: Reduce dosage by 25% and schedule urgent review with NHS Assessment Unit."

Sleep Pattern Analysis

Adapt for sleep disorder management:

  • fartsPerHour becomes sleepDisturbancesPerNight
  • catfishLengthCM becomes totalSleepHours
  • catfishWeightKG becomes sleepQualityScore
  • survivalTimeSeconds becomes optimalSleepWindowHours

Purpose: A comprehensive sleep monitoring system for nocturnal seizure prevention that analyzes sleep patterns and quality to optimize rest periods and reduce epilepsy triggers.

Example Response: "POOR SLEEP QUALITY DETECTED: Implement sleep hygiene protocol and consider melatonin supplementation consultation."

Behavioural Change Detection

Convert for safeguarding protocols:

  • fartsPerHour becomes behaviouralIncidentsPerDay
  • catfishLengthCM becomes baselineBehaviourScore
  • catfishWeightKG becomes currentMoodRating
  • methaneToleranceL becomes acceptableBehaviourThreshold

Purpose: A safeguarding monitoring system that tracks behavioural patterns and mood changes to identify potential concerns and trigger appropriate support interventions.

Example Response: "BEHAVIOURAL CONCERN: Significant deviation from baseline detected. Initiate safeguarding assessment protocol and contact support coordinator."

Nutrition and Weight Management

Transform for dietary monitoring:

  • fartsPerHour becomes calorieIntakePerMeal
  • catfishLengthCM becomes targetWeightKG
  • catfishWeightKG becomes currentWeightKG
  • volumePerFartL becomes portionSizeML

Purpose: A comprehensive nutrition tracking system that monitors caloric intake, portion sizes, and weight progression to provide personalized dietary recommendations and health alerts.

Example Response: "NUTRITION ALERT: Calorie intake 30% below target for 3 consecutive days. Implement high-calorie supplement plan and dietician consultation."

Complete Professional Implementation Example

Here's the exact same logical framework, but transformed for Blood Sodium Monitoring:

// Patient sodium intake data: self-reported daily consumption // Based on meal logs and dietary assessment let sodiumIntakePerDay = 2800; // in milligrams // Patient physical parameters for dosage calculations let patientHeightCM = 175; // in centimeters let patientWeightKG = 68; // in kilograms // Sodium content per standard meal portion (average) // Source: NHS nutritional guidelines and meal analysis const sodiumPerMealMG = 450; // 450mg per meal // Fluid retention factor per meal const fluidRetentionPerMealML = 150; // 150ml retention per high-sodium meal // Calculate maximum safe sodium threshold based on patient physiology // Accounts for kidney function, body mass, and epilepsy medication interactions function calculateSafeSodiumThreshold(patientHeight, patientWeight) { // Clinical formula based on NHS epilepsy care guidelines return (patientHeight * 12 + patientWeight * 35); // in milligrams } // Calculate safe monitoring window before next blood test // Based on medication half-life and kidney clearance rates function calculateMonitoringWindow(patientHeight, patientWeight) { const baseWindow = 8; // Base monitoring window in hours const heightFactor = patientHeight * 0.02; const weightAdjustment = patientWeight * 0.15; return Math.max(2, baseWindow + heightFactor - weightAdjustment); // minimum 2 hours } let monitoringWindowHours = calculateMonitoringWindow(patientHeightCM, patientWeightKG); let safeSodiumThresholdMG = calculateSafeSodiumThreshold(patientHeightCM, patientWeightKG); // Calculate sodium accumulation over monitoring period let sodiumPerHour = sodiumIntakePerDay / 24; let totalSodiumConsumed = Math.floor(sodiumPerHour * monitoringWindowHours); // Total sodium load calculation let cumulativeSodiumMG = totalSodiumConsumed; // Risk assessment evaluation let clinicalAction; if (cumulativeSodiumMG < safeSodiumThresholdMG) { clinicalAction = "Continue standard monitoring protocol."; } else if (cumulativeSodiumMG < safeSodiumThresholdMG * 1.3) { clinicalAction = "ALERT: Contact on-site nurse for dietary review."; } else { clinicalAction = "URGENT: Call NHS Assessment Unit immediately - sodium toxicity risk."; } // Generate clinical assessment report console.log("=== PATIENT SODIUM MONITORING REPORT ==="); console.log(`Daily sodium intake: ${sodiumIntakePerDay}mg`); console.log(`Monitoring window: ${monitoringWindowHours.toFixed(1)} hours`); console.log(`Cumulative sodium consumed: ${cumulativeSodiumMG}mg`); console.log(`Safe sodium threshold: ${safeSodiumThresholdMG}mg`); console.log(`Clinical action required: ${clinicalAction}`); // Automated alert system for care coordination sendAlert({ to: "nursing-team@careorganisation.nhs.uk", priority: cumulativeSodiumMG > safeSodiumThresholdMG ? "HIGH" : "ROUTINE", subject: "Patient Sodium Level Assessment - Action Required", body: `Patient ID: [PATIENT_ID] Assessment completed at: ${new Date().toLocaleString()} Sodium Assessment Results: - Current intake level: ${cumulativeSodiumMG}mg over ${monitoringWindowHours.toFixed(1)} hours - Safe threshold: ${safeSodiumThresholdMG}mg - Risk level: ${cumulativeSodiumMG > safeSodiumThresholdMG ? 'ELEVATED' : 'NORMAL'} Required action: ${clinicalAction} This automated assessment is part of our epilepsy care monitoring protocol. For urgent concerns, contact NHS Assessment Unit: [CONTACT_NUMBER] Care Management System` });

The mathematical framework is identical. The logic structure is the same. Only the context changes from ridiculous to life-saving.

Try It Yourself

Experience the Blood Sodium Monitoring calculator in action. This interactive demo shows exactly how the same logical framework can be transformed into a professional healthcare tool.

The Concerned Parent Method:
A New Presentation Technique

What Just Happened

You have just experienced what I call the "Concerned Parent Method" - a strategic presentation technique designed to create maximum impact through controlled cognitive dissonance.

The Name Explained

It's called the "Concerned Parent" method because of the specific emotional response it triggers in the audience. Like a parent watching their child do something embarrassing in public, you experienced:

  • Initial confusion and concern
  • Protective instincts toward professional standards
  • Mild embarrassment on my behalf
  • Growing doubt about my judgment
  • Relief when the situation resolved positively
  • Surprise at the strategic intention
  • Respect for the underlying competency

Psychological Mechanisms

Pattern Interruption: The absurd content disrupts normal presentation expectations, creating heightened attention and emotional engagement.

Cognitive Dissonance: The conflict between the ridiculous surface content and the serious technical implementation forces deeper processing of the information.

Underdog Positioning: By appearing to make a serious error, I lowered your expectations, making the reveal more impactful.

Narrative Arc: The presentation follows a complete emotional journey from confusion to understanding, creating a memorable experience.

Competency Contrast: After seeing something deliberately silly, all subsequent demonstrations of skill appear more impressive due to contrast bias.

Strategic Applications

This method is particularly effective for:

  • Career Transitions: Demonstrating transferable skills when moving between industries or roles.
  • Stereotype Breaking: Overcoming preconceptions about capabilities based on background or appearance.
  • Technical Presentations to Non-Technical Audiences: Making complex concepts accessible and memorable.
  • Competitive Differentiation: Standing out in environments where conventional presentations are expected.
  • Building Credibility: Showing self-awareness, strategic thinking, and communication skills simultaneously.

Implementation Guidelines

Content Requirements

  • The initial example must be genuinely functional, not just comedic
  • The underlying logic must translate perfectly to the real application
  • The reveal must demonstrate clear business value
  • The presenter must maintain complete seriousness during the setup

Audience Considerations

  • Works best with audiences who value innovation and creative thinking
  • Less effective with extremely formal or risk-averse organizations
  • Requires confident delivery and strong technical backup

Risk Management

  • Always have conventional backup materials prepared
  • Test the audience's humor tolerance beforehand if possible
  • Ensure the competency demonstration is overwhelmingly strong

Psychological Outcomes

Successful implementation of the Concerned Parent Method typically results in:

  • Increased memorability: Audiences remember both the presenter and the content long-term
  • Enhanced credibility: The strategic nature of the approach demonstrates advanced communication skills
  • Emotional connection: The shared experience creates a stronger relationship with the audience
  • Competitive advantage: Conventional presentations seem boring by comparison

Measuring Success

You know the method worked when audience members:

  • Reference the presentation weeks later
  • Use it as an example when describing innovative thinking
  • Seek out additional conversations with the presenter
  • Recommend the presenter to others based on the presentation

Limitations and Cautions

This method should not be used when:

  • Presenting to audiences with no tolerance for humor
  • Discussing genuinely sensitive topics without appropriate context
  • The presenter lacks confidence in their technical backup
  • The organization has explicit policies against unconventional presentations
  • Time constraints prevent full explanation of the method

Conclusion

The Concerned Parent Method represents a systematic approach to breaking through conventional presentation barriers. By strategically triggering specific emotional responses, it creates opportunities for deeper engagement and more effective communication of complex technical concepts.

When executed properly, it transforms a standard business presentation into a memorable demonstration of creativity, technical competency, and strategic thinking - exactly the combination of skills that innovative organizations need most.

Lewis Friend
Aspiring Developer, Mental Strategist, and Occasional Fisherman.